He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
