I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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