youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
