Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
