You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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