shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
