I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
