She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
