I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
