You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
