girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
