I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
