fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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