You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
