uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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