omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
