So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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