the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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