You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
