I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
