rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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