i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
