I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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