If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
