did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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