Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
