God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I booty called her while she was in labor.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
