someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
