Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
