My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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