Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
