hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
That accounts for only three of the penises
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
