"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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