i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
