I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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