Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
