I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
