There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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