I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
