I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
