If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
