apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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