You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
