I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
