When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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