I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
