I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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