I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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