I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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