I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
