I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
